My Confidence Sucks

These past few days have sucked. After one of our customers at another KTV got wasted on whisky, fell over, and busted his head open in my room, I’ve been terrified to go back. Even though I had nothing to do with it, there’s been a huge “blame the foreigner” vibe in China lately. Better safe than sorry. Fortunately, I know another place, so I went there last night. To my discontent, the customers happened to be the same ones I sat with last time. The loud, short, fat one, Eric, and his friend Mr. Nitpicky-McNitpickpants. Yes, I know. I’m incredibly mature for my age. Thanks for noticing.

Me and three other Chinese girls sat in the room for over an hour waiting for the fourth man to arrive. This KTV has a series of in-room games that involve girls getting topless, dancing naked, and mimicking various sex positions. Luckily, because I’m a foreigner, I didn’t have to do any of that. However, my customer spent all last night picking at my body. First, he told me that Chinese girls tits are soft and mine are firm. Then he kept poking at, rubbing my tattoos, and asking what they mean. Five hours later, he paid my tip but they sat talking with the mommy for another hour. One of the other Chinese girls told the guests she needed to change clothes but never came back. Twenty minutes later I tried to do the same thing.

My ducks patiently waited across the street. I went to the fish spot we normally eat at after work and sat by myself. The boss rushed over to hand me the menu. I felt my phone vibrating on the table next to my hand. I’d be damned, the customers still hadn’t left and the mommy was calling me back to escort them outside. I told her it was too much of a hassle but they refused to leave unless I returned. Aggravated, I rushed back only to hear the customer scold me and tell me that he wouldn’t ask me to sit with him again. I didn’t care. The mommy also didn’t care. She just felt relieved to finally go home.

My friend’s customer asked me to teach him English again today. I offered to do so but every time I try to sit down and write a lesson plan my hands freeze up and I get too nervous. I taught English for one year in Guangdong. It proved to be such a traumatizing and awful experience that I never want to do it again. They kept sticking me with toddlers, which I had no experience or training to deal with. Then they’d give me completely nonconstructive criticism ranging from “your hair is too short” to “smile big, only little smile not good”. By the end of the semester, I wanted to murder all of my coworkers. I know teaching English on my own to an adult could be a much better experience, but I still have no proper training, no confidence, and no will to do it. I’m skilled in downing multiple pints of beer and scribbling on this blog. That’s about it.

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