I was an introverted child. As a result, I spent a good ninety percent of my time online as a teenager. It was pretty much the only way I could cope with living in Florida. I found it damn depressing. I didn’t get wrapped up in drugs like most of my friends. Video games and anime forums were my drugs of choice.
At the age of nineteen, my ex-boyfriend took me to upstate New York. I felt so happy to be out of St. Petersburg. However, I didn’t realize what a hopeless place upstate New York could be in its own right. I started university and smoked pot for the first time. I became involved with a bunch of festival kids who made it a daily mission to get fucked up. This new world excited me. Then my new friends began dropping like flies from heroin overdoses. I never did heroin and for the longest time, felt superior to the needle junkies. Then I realized that popping Xanax, Valium, and smoking pot on the daily provided a slow death in and of itself.
After graduation, I knew I had to get out of that environment. I went halfway around the world, but I couldn’t escape myself. My writing stagnated. I haven’t drawn anything for years. Days began blurring together. Weeks would fly by and hell if I could recall everything that happened. I have so many friends on social media who I met in bars. They remember me but I don’t remember them. Then I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Last night, I came home all kinds of fucked up. My boyfriend, as he patted my back while I dry heaved over the bed, asked me “Do you want to die?”
In some ways, I thought, perhaps we’re so connected that even though communication can be difficult because of language and cultural differences, he can sense my despair. My life has greatly improved, but ultimately, I’m a product of the toxic environment I grew up in. How can I undo twenty-five years of self-hatred and self-destruction?
My depression wants me to die, but deep down I know that so many other people want me to live and it’s really that love from around the world that keeps me going. I want to do better. I want to stop. I hope that this blog and my newfound stability can be the first step on my path to recovery.