Do You Want to Die?

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I was an introverted child. As a result, I spent a good ninety percent of my time online as a teenager. It was pretty much the only way I could cope with living in Florida. I found it damn depressing. I didn’t get wrapped up in drugs like most of my friends. Video games and anime forums were my drugs of choice.

At the age of nineteen, my ex-boyfriend took me to upstate New York. I felt so happy to be out of St. Petersburg. However, I didn’t realize what a hopeless place upstate New York could be in its own right. I started university and smoked pot for the first time. I became involved with a bunch of festival kids who made it a daily mission to get fucked up. This new world excited me. Then my new friends began dropping like flies from heroin overdoses. I never did heroin and for the longest time, felt superior to the needle junkies. Then I realized that popping Xanax, Valium, and smoking pot on the daily provided a slow death in and of itself.

After graduation, I knew I had to get out of that environment. I went halfway around the world, but I couldn’t escape myself. My writing stagnated. I haven’t drawn anything for years. Days began blurring together. Weeks would fly by and hell if I could recall everything that happened. I have so many friends on social media who I met in bars. They remember me but I don’t remember them. Then I feel guilty and the cycle continues.

Last night, I came home all kinds of fucked up. My boyfriend, as he patted my back while I dry heaved over the bed, asked me “Do you want to die?”

In some ways, I thought, perhaps we’re so connected that even though communication can be difficult because of language and cultural differences, he can sense my despair. My life has greatly improved, but ultimately, I’m a product of the toxic environment I grew up in. How can I undo twenty-five years of self-hatred and self-destruction?

My depression wants me to die, but deep down I know that so many other people want me to live and it’s really that love from around the world that keeps me going. I want to do better. I want to stop. I hope that this blog and my newfound stability can be the first step on my path to recovery.

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2 thoughts on “Do You Want to Die?”

  1. Dee, So many of us, Been there, done that, got the Tee Shirt. Once your head is out of your ass and you are far enough away from the situation you’ll think, “Fuck, that was a stupid idea!”

    Like

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